I have forgiven me

I've been going through the healing cycle of declaring victory in my life and walking in God's Authority - to watching my past like my life is on a movie reel, playing over and over in mind. The "if this..." scenarios pop up, and every now and then I feel entangled in what could have been...what should have been.

This song by Mary Mary ministers deeply to where I am right now, at this moment in my journey.
I've been meditating on the Word in Luke when Jesus tells the woman "Woman, thou are loosed from thine infirmity" Luke 13.

Jesus is speaking to so many of us sisters. He is speaking directly to who we are. He doesn't call this woman by her personal name, to say this healing is just for her...but He speaks directly to her being - "Woman!". Sister I have to tell you today....it is time for us to rise up. Jesus has commanded us to do so. "Woman, thou are loosed!".

Simply Redeemed

This song came on Pandora today and I had never heard it before. These words grabbed me and won't let me go. I purchased the cd and have had this song on repeat all day.

I am a Christian. Do you know what that means? It means I'm far from perfect, simply redeemed. I was bought with a purpose. Purchased by love. Not just a form of religion, it's a gift from above.

I am not perfect. I have been redeemed.

I'm just a believer. Do you know what that means? It means I've pledge my life, giving everything. I never knew that this was meant to be. I'm not perfect. I have been redeemed.

While I was yet in my transgressions, someone paid the price for me.I offered up my life to Him, and now I see again. I am not perfect. I have been redeemed.

I am your brother (sister). Let me show you the way. We'll walk this road together, we'll take it day by day. Somehow I know we'll make this journey's end.

We are now redeemed. While we were yet in our transgressions. God paid the price for you and me. So why not give our lives to Him? Accept His love and be clean.

Walk together. You can take my hand. For we are now redeemed.

Power to Pray

Last week, in observance of the National Day of Prayer, I attended the noon day prayer service at my church. On my drive to the church I felt something funny in my spirit. When I walked through the doors of the church something hit me...and hit me hard. I was overcome by the Spirit, and the power that prayer has.

I consider it a true privilege and honor to be able to pray in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I consider an even greater honor to know that when I pray, even when my prayers are reduced to mumblings and groanings, the Holy Spirit is interceding for me.

At that service, I was humbled when my Pastor looked at me and asked me to pray for single parents. I've struggled with identifying with this label, but it is true, I am single parent. As I approached God in prayer, I realized the power of the words I was placing in God's ear. Out of all the protections and blessings I prayed that day, there is one thing that I pray over and over again in my spirit, and that is for unsaved parents to be saved. For our children's sake.

My son is covered. I've dedicated his life back to God and I know that things that have plagued his father's family for generations are now broken, in Jesus' name. I pray that my son's unsaved parent experiences the freedom that comes in knowing Christ, in living for Christ and following his commands.

Love...is not rude.

((Deep breath)) I haven't written in my love is series in awhile. No particular reason, I just haven't made it a priority. It's funny how things happen. Life has been so grand. I mean ever since we returned from Baltimore in early April, things have just been flowing. I'm grateful.

When I opened the Word and realized tonight would be "love...is not rude", I laughed at myself. No wonder it hadn't been on my heart to write in this series lately. But tonight....oh tonight is a night to write about love not being rude.

So I've been pretty open about the issues in my personal life. I honestly feel it is apart of my ministry to be transparent - some disagree. Anyways. So tonight was a true test in love not being rude. First, it is Mother's day. All day long I have just been sending gratitude for the amazing gift of my son. I've probably given him a million kisses today. It's about 8pm, and for the first time all day I let the weight of this being my first Mother's day as a single parent hit me. My emotions were flying high and that opened the floodgates for the enemy to come in.

One event led to another, and for the first time in weeks I just wanted to pick up the phone and tell someone how I feel about them. Not what God says about them, but what at that moment, my hurt self wanted to say. I picked up the phone, was ready to go, all engines fired, and then I stopped. The force that stopped me wasn't saying that I love that person too much to call and say the words I wanted to say and try to hurt them. At that moment the force that stopped me said I love me more than that. It told me that I'm better than that. And it also reminded me that I MUST be the parent that expresses greater love through it all - I must be love.

So I'm typing this with tears rolling down my face because had I stuck to my original plan of writing in this series every night, weeks ago I wouldn't have really known what it means for love to not be rude. But tonight I do. I know that love won't allow you to be rude. The most profound part about it is it has nothing to do with the other person. Love will open you up and show you yourself. Rudeness is a way to hurt others. As we all know...hurting people hurt others. Let love show you what's in you that is hurting so you won't feel the need to hurt others. After all, love is not rude.

Why did I get married?

Last night, I went to see Tyler Perry's Why Did I Get Married Too.
I'm a fan of TP movies, so I'll be adding this to the list. Throughout the movie one message prevailed: marriages go through trouble, but with enough love and commitment, you can make it through.

Turn the page. I went to see this movie with my husband, who I've been separated from for the past 7 months. My husband who has one foot out the door and the other halfway in divorce court. So I'm watching this movie thinking "is there any reality here?"

I HATE divorce. I HATE what it is doing to our marriage. I HATE what it is doing to our family. I HATE IT. It's also caused me to wonder why. Why does my marriage have to be the one that seems beyond repair? Why does God allow me to go through this and endure so much pain? Why did I get married?

Love. In the movie there's a line: "love will not return to you void". Well it sure feels like it. I love my husband. In his greatness, in his weakness, through all his shit, I love him. But I'm not stupid. My love has been returning void. I don't care what you say. So after the movie I allowed myself to shed a tear publicly because I am tired.

I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired. I'm tired of having examples of healthy marriages all around me and yet mine is crumbling right before my eyes. I'm tired.

And worst of all, I have no answers.

Do miracles still exist?

Daily Meditation: Relax

"If you relax, it comes. Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, God shows you the way".

Here I Am

These are some powerful words from Marvin Sapp's new album. I feel like he read my soul writing this song.

Here I am.

I’m still standing.

Here I am.

After all I’ve been through.

I survived every toil - every snare.

I’m alive. I’m alive.

Here I am.

There were times when I almost gave up.

And I’ve cried and said “Lord, it’s too much”.

El Shaddai – He was there all the time.

By His grace – He is keeping me alive.

By His grace and mercy – I’m still standing. Standing.

I’m standing in the presence of the Almighty with power and a testimony.

I’m standing here today with one thing to say, “Lord, I thank You”.

Here I am.

After all I’ve been through.

I survived.

I’m alive.

Here I am.

All the pain I had to go through – it gave power and a testimony.

I'm alive. I'm alive.

HERE I AM.

Starting Another Blog

So I'm starting another blog. Yes, another blog. Lately I've had trouble writing on my Of Service blog, and I've somehow experienced writers block in writing for Examiner.com, which I get paid to do. Tonight, I need a place to release some of what I was feeling, and my hard copy journal wasn't working. I needed to hear back from people - or to feel like someone else just may read it, so I decided to start this blog - so I could do just that.

Today, as all of my days have been for the last few months, was power packed. I was on task and busy with work, took care of a few things for the Scentsy business and made my next hair appointment to get my first ever full weave. (Which is all apart of my journey to not straighten - flat iron- my hair for a year). I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a thing about buying fake hair. The only other time I've had a weave was for my wedding, and my stylist had to call the hair store and tell them what he wanted me to get. So, I went to one of the few hair stores in Albuquerque with a picture in tow of the brand, type and color I wanted. The owner's automatic response was that he didn't have that hair. Instead, he ended up selling me a much more expensive hair - and $233 later - all I can think was dag...I was bamboozled.

On top of that, we woke up Sunday and my munchkin's eye was closed shut. I was so worried he had pink eye. After packing him up and heading to After Hour Pediatrics (which is a fantastic place) and finding out they didn't open until 2, we went back home, munchkin napped, and we headed back to the doctor's office at 2 only to find out we needed an appointment. So at 4:50 we returned to the office and the service was great. Thankfully, pink eye wasn't the issue, but munchkin did have an ear infection. So, of course, I called his father to tell him what was going on.

I had a many break-down tonight because I couldn't believe his father hadn't called to check on him. This all plays into my fears that fatherhood for him is becoming out of sight and out of mind. I've also been worrying and praying lately (yes I know the two don't go together) because I feel in my heart that munchkin is starting to notice other kids have mommies and daddies around....and that well hurts my heart.

So, these are the things I needed to write about tonight. There's much more in my actual "private" journal, but sometimes you just need to release in a very public manner.

I'm resting on Marvin Sapp's new song: He Has His Hands On You